not a good feeling
I hate it when mouth opens and foot inserts. Rough day at the office today. Too much to do, knew that going in, list grows, knew that would happen too, any chance of getting it all done? Not a chance in hell. Meeting time. Meeting about what? How we can all get along. ‘no one is expecting you to be best of friends’. No shite. So, how can we all be grown-ups here? Apparently, my tone is demeaning, I question the food being made too often, requests to help with cleaning the kitchen (that you walk into clean, do your thing, wipe down your counter and walk out) is too much, ‘just give me the list of things you want me to do, I follow the recipes, I’ll do the list and go home’. IT WOULD HELP IF YOU KNEW HOW TO TASTE FOOD AND ANALYZE AND FIX IT. Just a simple request. Telling me you have gone to culinary school tells me nothing about why your food is underseasoned, bland, lacking acid, lacking interest, lacking thought. It all seems like it comes right from the pages of Better Homes (no insult to anyone who likes and uses this as a resource, I’m sure there is good stuff, knowing how to interpret is key).
Am I upset by today? A little. Will this be the time it finally sinks in the there is no advocate for me/us? Is there even an us on the same side? I feel completely left out of the information loop and have no idea what I am missing; I only know it feels like I am missing something. I like to think of myself as a tell it like it is girl. (I like to think) I hold few grudges. My tendency is to trust and think that you will do what needs to be done, that you will see what needs to be done, that you will look outside the blinders and be a part of the whole instead of the ego. Did my ego get bruised today? Yup. And I don’t like one bit that it has shown itself. And this is not the part of the day that makes me feel like an asshole; just that I have let myself get suckered into the stupid bullshit of stroking staff that should really be encouraged to move on. Hearing ‘you both bring a lot to the table’ made me want to spit. Not the best move when sitting in an office also being told that the next step is to get the principal involved and hearing the implied threat there. Moving on…
What really made me feel like an asshole? Being disappointed in the one I want to believe is better than reality demonstrates. It is a lonely feeling. Do I move on, do I have the conversation, do I suck it up, do I stop caring, do I become (more) bitter and frustrated and angry? Can’t afford that last one. The lonely feeling is the worst of all. That conversation? That one needs to happen. And I don’t like it. Was I a brat today? Is there enough going on without adding more fuel? Is some of this really about my ego or is it about when too much is too much and I cannot do it alone? I hate reading that; it means I am owning it. Too much is too much. Maybe if I did not have expectations and promises of help it would be easier. If I know that this is a need to do it on my own season I can adjust. I will miss the company. I can plan for the number of hours it will take to make it all happen. I can make it happen. I just need to know.
Let’s revisit a sentence from that last. I will miss the company. Present tense, I do miss the company. It is there momentarily and then gets refocused. {This is really just a case of being a jealous selfish bitch who wants to be the center of attention and having everyone see and acknowledge how much I contribute and wonder where would you all be without me} (probably a lot less stressed and with more production and less complaining happening…). The excitement of having the experiment work, getting the cure just right, deciding what the people want and getting it right, deciding what they want without knowing they want it and getting it right, seeing abundance and garnishes and beauty and knowing it was not created in a vacuum. Operating in a vacuum sucks. I feel like I am a dust mote clogging the wheel. Spinning and getting far less done than needs to happen. Putting out fires? Someone once suggested I add arsonist to my resume. I’m doing more fire starting here in terms of making enemies than I have anywhere else. Not a good feeling.
This comes back to the tell it like it is girl. Not welcome here. Does it need to happen? I think so. I HATE having to tell staff that questions the lack of accountability that I feel like my hands are tied. They are indeed bound and gagged. While this may be a welcome situation in other venues, not so much in this one. Goes back to that asshole thing. I want my company back and I am scared that I have just chased it away. Leaving notes is cowardly. If I were ballsy enough I would have followed the company out the door to talk. If only the company had not moved so fast. Then there is always the wondering if the company really cares. There are no easy answers for this one. All I can hope for is that the apology is accepted, that I can be not too melodramatic, that I cause no more guilt, that I can explain it without sounding like an idiot, that it can be talked about and company is not lost forever. Here I am again, hoping against hope that I have not fucked up and pushed too hard and pushed away what I need.
Am I upset by today? A little. Will this be the time it finally sinks in the there is no advocate for me/us? Is there even an us on the same side? I feel completely left out of the information loop and have no idea what I am missing; I only know it feels like I am missing something. I like to think of myself as a tell it like it is girl. (I like to think) I hold few grudges. My tendency is to trust and think that you will do what needs to be done, that you will see what needs to be done, that you will look outside the blinders and be a part of the whole instead of the ego. Did my ego get bruised today? Yup. And I don’t like one bit that it has shown itself. And this is not the part of the day that makes me feel like an asshole; just that I have let myself get suckered into the stupid bullshit of stroking staff that should really be encouraged to move on. Hearing ‘you both bring a lot to the table’ made me want to spit. Not the best move when sitting in an office also being told that the next step is to get the principal involved and hearing the implied threat there. Moving on…
What really made me feel like an asshole? Being disappointed in the one I want to believe is better than reality demonstrates. It is a lonely feeling. Do I move on, do I have the conversation, do I suck it up, do I stop caring, do I become (more) bitter and frustrated and angry? Can’t afford that last one. The lonely feeling is the worst of all. That conversation? That one needs to happen. And I don’t like it. Was I a brat today? Is there enough going on without adding more fuel? Is some of this really about my ego or is it about when too much is too much and I cannot do it alone? I hate reading that; it means I am owning it. Too much is too much. Maybe if I did not have expectations and promises of help it would be easier. If I know that this is a need to do it on my own season I can adjust. I will miss the company. I can plan for the number of hours it will take to make it all happen. I can make it happen. I just need to know.
Let’s revisit a sentence from that last. I will miss the company. Present tense, I do miss the company. It is there momentarily and then gets refocused. {This is really just a case of being a jealous selfish bitch who wants to be the center of attention and having everyone see and acknowledge how much I contribute and wonder where would you all be without me} (probably a lot less stressed and with more production and less complaining happening…). The excitement of having the experiment work, getting the cure just right, deciding what the people want and getting it right, deciding what they want without knowing they want it and getting it right, seeing abundance and garnishes and beauty and knowing it was not created in a vacuum. Operating in a vacuum sucks. I feel like I am a dust mote clogging the wheel. Spinning and getting far less done than needs to happen. Putting out fires? Someone once suggested I add arsonist to my resume. I’m doing more fire starting here in terms of making enemies than I have anywhere else. Not a good feeling.
This comes back to the tell it like it is girl. Not welcome here. Does it need to happen? I think so. I HATE having to tell staff that questions the lack of accountability that I feel like my hands are tied. They are indeed bound and gagged. While this may be a welcome situation in other venues, not so much in this one. Goes back to that asshole thing. I want my company back and I am scared that I have just chased it away. Leaving notes is cowardly. If I were ballsy enough I would have followed the company out the door to talk. If only the company had not moved so fast. Then there is always the wondering if the company really cares. There are no easy answers for this one. All I can hope for is that the apology is accepted, that I can be not too melodramatic, that I cause no more guilt, that I can explain it without sounding like an idiot, that it can be talked about and company is not lost forever. Here I am again, hoping against hope that I have not fucked up and pushed too hard and pushed away what I need.
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