from Paris
I read this for the first time today and I thought I would repost part of it...
from Ms. Glaze's Pommes d'Amour blog...her post, For the first time I stand alone,
the excerpts...
"Why? Because your head needs to be in the game and your spirit needs to exude self confidence. But when all you feel like inside is a human construction site, walking into a competitive unforgiving environment is a little akin to smashing beer cans against your head over and over.
How can I organize a station if I can't even organize my life right now? How can I react to command when my inner voice of doubt and worry is drumming out the chef's outer voice? How can I cook anything right when everything in my life is wrong?
How am I going to get through this?"
"My mantra bounced back and forth between: 'f all of you' and 'I don't care'. Neither of these two being healthy to meditate on. Especially not for 12 hours a day."
"It took me a little while to realize, and yes a good long heart to heart with the executive chef too, that really I'm the one who needs to pull it together. I was hired to do a job and do it perfectly regardless of my personal life or the dynamics at work. And out of this conversation I re-found my backbone which had started to disintegrate"
"But here's the thing: it's really hard to cook something right when you are terrified of cooking something wrong. It makes you not trust your own judgement. It makes organization difficult. Ah heck, it just takes the fun out it in general and creates an atmosphere where success seems unobtainable and being set up for failure a certainty.
I kept telling myself: I have nothing to loose. There is nothing more in my life left to loose and there is everything, everything to gain."
So, now...do I realize the errors of mine ways?
Not really...but I do know that I am the one who controls my destiny and my happiness. It is up to me to make the decisions that will affect me, E, and my daughter. It is up to me to realize that I am the one who has to accept responsibility for who I am, and move forward. If I want change I have to be the one to change. And so now I have to do what needs to be done.
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