somewhere

I have been lost for the last two years or so...maybe even since I left the mountain and the fun of working with Claudine in an atmosphere of mutual respect for the food and what we were doing (and where I was doing it because it was fun, and not for the money), to arrive in places where I am working for a check and the next set of days where I sit on my arse and do nothing. I know there are a lot of cooks out there that do just that. Work long hours, and then don't do much on the days off but sleep, laundry, and order take out. When I taught, I stressed that this was not the rut to get in to...and behold I am there.

Eight years ago, I first became are of who Thomas Keller was, and what the French Laundry was about. I was enthraled to say the least. The ex-spouse got me the french laundry cook book for my birthday, and I swore right then ands there that I would work for him one day. I have read Ruhlman's Soul of a Chef so many times for inspiration that the cover is coming off. And that day has yet to happen. When Sarah talks about putting on the commis blue and cooking in Napa, this is where she means. I have preached and been a disciple of TK throughout the time at culinary school, both as a student and as an instructor. My plan was to go to culinary school, do my internships at TFL and then continue to work my way up in the organization and skill level until I could go out and do it on my own. That was the goal...

When he opened Bouchon, I transferred my love of his style/skills to the more casual type place that it was...I think it is more me...fine dining is not what I want to do these days, but great food is. Ad hoc continues in the same vein. Etc etc....

So why have I never gone to work there? Or better yet, why have I never even eaten at ANY of his restaurants.

Once again, it is because I doubt my self more than anyone else ever could. And I am a chicken. (And I have never been to Napa, NYC, and only to the Vegas airport).

If you don't pursue your dream, what are you living for?

Sometimes I ask my self that, and most times I cant answer. When Sarah asked me what my dreams were...well like I said...at the time I couldn't even remember that I had once longed to spend hours slicing chives at TFL.

So what are your goals? This year, five years? Rest of your life?

Do those questions scare you? Do you have a stock set of answers that don't really answer anything?

I can say this...the most I have ever been happy has been when I am cooking on the line with people I like/love doing food that I like/love. And this has not been when I have had the 'chef' on my chest. It has been when the only responsibilities I have had are my station, my mise, my line, my brothers/sisters there with me, the food, and our guests.

So the next question is...can you make a livable wage doing what you love?