life...

"Slow change is better than no change. After a painfully slow summer, it feels good to be in a state of progression. The motivation is highly contagious, and everyone needs to decide whether to get on the boat... or find a new boat and get the hell out." Chadzilla, Walk Hard

I have been wallowing in a self depressing cycle ever since returning from vacation two weeks ago.

You know, most of the time, you are supposed to come back refreshed, renewed, rejuvenated, and excited to be ’back in action’. But not this time. I came back to more of the same crap from before I left. And it immediately sucked the life out of me. Is it because I saw what I am missing on the mainland? Because I miss my family? Because I feel worn out trying to improve things and not having them get better? Is it coming back to the ’island culture’?

Some of all of the above.

I don’t feel like Chadzilla, I feel in a state of distress. That things are not changing...that the system is fighting any and all change. I am having head bumping problems with my bosses, and I resent their ’contributions/input’. In fact, I dont feel like I am on the boat.

And then the loss of Bob Long has made me a little introspective. And I dont like it.

I also came to the realization that one of the reasons I dont like my bosses is that they remind me of MM. And Sarah knows why I dont appreciate that. But as E says, I should have learned from past mistakes by now...but I am a little slow that way. I might think that I would thrive in a militaristic environment, but I have authority issues I guess...and well, I have never worked in a very disciplined place...and I do kinda enjoy things being the way they should, in the place they should, and acting the way they should. Is it necessary for people to get ahead in the ’corporate’ world by kissing asses and politicking? It seems like it...because lord knows the competent are not going to the head of the line. One of the other sous chefs summed it up when he described a recent ’management outing’ that I missed, where he sat and watched as the orbit of certain manages/chefs got closer and tighter to the GM as the night progressed as those people tried to smooze him.

So, I have been trying to keep to myself and off in my own little kitchen world...but not so successfully. Besides the fact that sales are up in our restaurant, we are beating our budget and last years sales, labor is good, my theoretical food cost is 20%, and we are doing great covers...(and we are the only F&B outlet doing all these), I have been told that in the larger scheme of the 40+ million dollar F&B establishment we are, that my restaurant doesn’t matter, and that if it were not in the hotel, it would close within a few weeks. How motivating is that? And then to have your food that you pour your heart and soul in to, be critiqued as bad...and needing a revisit to make it more user friendly. Maybe if I had consistent players on my team I could keep it consistent...but anyway. We were told in a sous chef meeting to NOT dumb down or sacrifice quality...and then I am critiqued and told to do just that. I am not building a rocket ship, nor doing food science...I am doing simple techniques using good ingredients to make good food. I dont get complaints form guests very often, in fact, I get good praise more often than not...it seems that people making negative comments are management types from the hotel. It is not the same restaurant as has been there for the last 5 years!!!!! The food is different! Get used to it...and stop pining for sautéed broccoli rabe on every plate. It makes no sense to serve ’baked’ pasta dishes with a heavy tomato sauce during months when it is 90 degrees outside. (although it never really gets below 80 anyway). If you have lamb on the menu with a ’light’ accompaniment of grilled polenta, roasted tomatoes, sautéed mustard greens and mint pesto...it doesn’t make sense to put a ’heavy’ sauce of balsamic demi-glace on it. Especially, since demi is not so italian...its french...seeing as not to many places in Italy use heavy sauce reductions. At least, it makes no sense to me.

And so the drama goes on...I am trying to get in the boat. Its a bad time to be dis-employed...and I do like what I do...I think.